That Wretched Word
by takaxdesu
Summary: Forgiveness. Something Eiri Yuki never expected to get, and something Shuichi never really practiced. Yet it was the only reason they were able to remain together, through all the trials of love. EirixShu, then onesided RyuxShu at end. Chapter 3 is up.
1. Prologue

_Prologue : Wretched Love_

_Forgiveness is such a wretched word. I never could find it in my heart to forgive you for what you did to me. You came into my life so suddenly, then invited yourself to live with me in my apartment. You grew so close to me...then you left me behind like a child abandoning an old toy. Is that what I really was to you? I wish I could have meant more to you, because you saved me. Now I stand here, in the middle of a silent path, staring hopelessly into perpetual darkness, wishing you could come running to my side. A dying cigarette rests between my lips as I stop to think of you, and my hands sit comfortably in my pockets as I remember the first time your thin hands rested in mine. The first time your lips touched my skin I was in heaven. But what if I told you that when you vowed to be mine, it really wasn't good enough? Would you really believe me...? No, because you would know that I would be lying. It meant the world...and I can't believe I was so heartless that I let you and your undying loveslip through my fingertips. It's ironic, isn't it? I meant so little, but yet we loved each other so much._

_A hooting owl lands in front of me. It stares at me, square in the eye, then bends its great head down and pecks at the stone beneath its white talons. I let the withered cigarette fall from my lips, watching it crumple beneath the rain. Our love was like that cigarette; flaring and passionate in the beginning, withering in the middle, then crumbling to ash towards the end. At eye level your grave is even more of a sight than it was from above. The words inscribed into it bring a tear to my eye, and I regret ever having to say goodbye to you. So I leave you a rose, is that apology enough? A single lavender flower...all for you._

_I turn my back on this desolated graveyard, and I get back in my taxi, allowing myself to be taken back to the hotel. Maybe I can get on with my life in New York, even if you're not by my side. My hotel room door slams shut, and I fall to the bed in tears, shivering as a cold winter wind blows through my window. A soft knock sounds on my door, and it opens to the man I've moved on to. He pulls me to his arms, holding me close to his chest, assuring me that it is alright to let my pain flow freely. So please forgive me, because I need you to know that even though I let you leave me, I knew I couldn't make you stay, and even though I couldn't do anything to help you live, I remained by your side until the moment you were gone. Know that I love you, and be at peace._


	2. Return

Return

Shuichi swiped at a tear as he placed the bookmark between the pages, closing the book and staring at the cover. _Loving Darkness_ were the only two words that were printed on the cover, printed over a picture of a grave. He brushed his fingertips across the cover, smiling lightly, closing his eyes, tilting his head back as he remembered Yuki's voice : "_This book is us, Shuichi,_" the novelist once said, "_because I hate to see you leave._" Shuichi had walked out shortly after that, tired of being second-best to Kitazawa, hurt that Eiri hadn't proved to him that he loved him. He had given the writer all his heart, but now, it had been ripped to pieces.

A hand laid on his shoulder, and instinctively, he laid his own hand over it, tilting his head to the side, smiling. "Mmm..." he hummed agaunst the rough hand that held his, "I missed you." He rose from the couch and walked straight into Eiri's waiting arms, releasing a grunt of shock as a firm grip around his waist pulled him close to the writer. He smiled and held onto the older man's shirt, resting his head against his chest, but only for a moment. He gazed up at Eiri's amber eyes, as the blonde gazed down at him. "Yuki...what are you...?"

Yuki placed a finger to the singer's lips. "Shut up," he growled, "just shut up." He angled the singer's chin up towards him, then, letting his fingertips rest below the singer's jaw, he forced their lips to connect, humming gently as the younger man returned it. His arms had a strong hols on Yuki now, and the author had his arms tightly wound around Shuichi. When he finally broke their lips apart, he whispered, "You're just like Mori, you know that, punk?" He stroked Shuichi's strawberry hair. "No matter how annoying you get, it's so easy to love you."

Shuichi looked up at him with a confused smile. Mori...he was the main character in _Loving Darkness_...was that actually a compliment straight from the lips of Eiri Yuki? He cuddled into the taller man, leaving a light kiss below his jawline. Snaking his arms around the author's neck, he sighed happily and said in a soft voice, "Does that make you Shonei?" a seductive tone taking over his voice as he spoke. Kissing him softly, he smiled and let his lips linger near the blonde novelist's.

Yuki placed a hand on Shuichi's cheek, smiling gently. "Mmm...I can be. Do you want me to be Shonei?" he asked, adapting the same tone that his younger lover had just used, barely even realizing it. He expertly ran his hands down the young man's arms, interlacing his hands with the singer's pulling him close and kissing him shortly. "All you have to do is ask...and I'll be yours all over again." He intentionally kept his lips close to Shuichi's, smirking once he knew the young man couldn't resist his offer...Shuichi's one and only goal in life seemed to be getting Yuki to let him claim him as his own. He was giving the strawberry-haired man an offer of a lifetime, and secretly, he hoped he'd accept. One, it was inconvenient not to have the little twerp around when he was in the mood, and two, he was trying to make an effort at showing Shuichi that he _was _capable of affection, he was capable of romance.

Shuichi's eyes lit up instantly. He could barely stutter out a sentence, all he could do was stare in to Eiri's calm amber eyes. It was the first time in a long time that the man's eyes had seemed so relaxed, and Shuichi relished in the opportunity to preserve these precious moments in his memory. "Yuki...I..." His spine was riddled with chills at the author's touch, and he let his hands close around Eiri's, still gazing up into his calm amber eyes. "Yuki, I...I want you to be mine."

Eiri smirked. "Hn," he grunted, then he let the minutes run by. Then, "Ok. I'll belong to you again, Shu. I only want one thing from you." He crashed his lips to the singer's, letting a rogue strand of hair graze his cheek, cupping the side of Shuichi's face with one hand, working slowly with the buttons on the younger man's shirt with the other. Once his shirt fell off, he traced a finger down his abs, the smooth skin passing beneath his fingertips like cream, the muscles rippling beneath his touch. "Just give me you, and I'll give you me in return," he whispered, teasing Shuichi's neck with playful kisses.

"Unh..." Shuichi whimpered, half in pleasure, half in surprise. Yuki only gave himself to Shuichi when he wanted sex out of it, was this a selfless act? He didn't think about it, but he pressed down with his hands, lightly of course, resting them on Eiri's shoulders, arching his neck to allow the blonde more room to maneuver. "Please, Eiri...please don't tease me so.." he whimpered into the blonde's ear, closing his eyes and suppressing a moan.

Yuki stopped kissing his neck and glanced up at him. Nodding, he smiled. "Mmm...alright." He tightly clasped the young man's hand, leading him to their bedroom, allowing him a release there. To him it seemed like hours, but he lay content with Shuichi in his arms afterward, a sigh of happiness whispering past his thin lips, stroking the younger man's hair absentmindedly. He kissed Shuichi's forehead, then with one final sigh of content, he fell into the deep chambers of sleep, not sure if Shuichi was asleep or not, but honestly, he didn't care, he had fulfilled his promise. He had given himself to the young man in return for a night of sheer pleasure.

_"This book is us, Shuichi...because I hate to watch you leave."_

_"Just give me you, and I'll give you me in return..."_

The words rang in Shuichi's head as he tossed and turned in the bed, whimpering and groaning, not content even when Eiri made an attempt to hold him in his arms, he was too tortured by his own guilt. The only words he spoke were, "Please...never...leave...me..", then he fell silent, curled into a ball agaist Yuki's body. Eiri kept an arm around him once he calmed down, but he lay awake most of the night, staring at the ceiling.

_Am I making a mistake...?_


	3. Changes

Questions

Shuichi sat quietly next to Eiri at the table. The younger man beamed as they ate their breakfast in this silence, their hands laced together on Yuki's knee. Both of them were easing back into their relationship, but in the same way, it was almost as if this silence was helping them come together. Eiri raised an eyebrow at the singer, not sure of what to think about how content Shuichi was with not running around in circles and screaming random things at the top of his lungs. "Why are you so silent, punk?" he asked, smiling over at the singer.

He could sense the younger man's confusion as he smiled while he called him a punk. Of course in a way, to Eiri, he was making a compliment, abandoning the former nicknames such as 'hey idiot, get over here already or I'm going', 'shut up, you damn brat', 'I asked you a question, answer me, bitch', and 'get the hell out, I hate you'.

Eiri, well, he was being as kind as he could, considering it was the morning after the first night of their renewed relationship. Something like that didn't have the little twerp exactly jumping his bones anyway. Somehow he felt comfortable with their hands laced together on his knee, and the way that they could sit here for over an hour without a word felt great. The silence anything but awkward, he used his lips on Shuichi's neck as a way to tease an answer out of him.

The singer giggled as Eiri spoke to him. The last time the author had used a term as moderate as 'punk' to refer to him, they'd been in bed, and they certainly hadn't been busy for three hours eating pizza. He placed his hand on the blonde's chest, his smile growing as he felt the older man's lips nibbling at his neck. "Mmm Eiri..."

Yuki almost drew back at the touch of Shuichi's soft hands on his chest. Regaining control of himself, he made a move to press his lips to the younger man's forehead, smirking. He shook his head playfully, secretly amazed at how soft he was being. He'd have to return to his usual mood…what would he honestly be without his beloved sarcasm?

"Doesn't answer my question. A groan, your hand on my chest, and you whispering my name only indicates that you'd like nothing better than to have me on my back in our bed. I asked you why you're being so damn quiet, not what you want to do to me." His lips curved into a casual smirk. There. His regular personality had come back, this time in perfect moderation.

Shuichi smiled strangely, not shocked as the novelist slowly pulled away. He was glad he at least kept their hands together; although he was seriously tempted to pull his hand from Yuki's and stroke his leg, if only to make him purr. Resisting the urge, he looked up from the chest that rested under an unbuttoned teal shirt and a necklace with a strange pendant to the amber eyes that nearly made him melt. Giggling, he replied, "I'm silent because an 'answer me, bitch' isn't how we should start out take two to our relationship."

Eiri narrowed his eyes, searching Shuichi's for any hint of stupidity. Sure he would find some, but Shuichi was being purely intelligent about his words, at least for the moment, anyway. Eiri grunted, resting his hand on the younger man's cheek, relaxing into his chair. "Hmm. Well at least you're learning."

He smiled, and then he bit his lip, fighting back a serious urge to perform a three-second stripping of both of them. Points of Shuichi's intelligence: sex and eventually finding a way not to get yelled at. _Maybe this has a chance...maybe when I walked back into this apartment, I was making the right decision. _

_Maybe this is karma's way of telling me I've got my second chance...now I just have to avoid being such a jackass that I screw it all up again._

Shuichi's watch beeped. He placed his hand over Eiri's, and after giving him a soft kiss on the lips, he said, "Gotta leave for work. Hold up the fort for me?" He smiled and got up from the table, sighing along with it. He had barely finished his breakfast. Pulling his hand from the novelist's, he placed his bowl and spoon in the sink, then he slung his bag over his shoulder, left a kiss on his boyfriend's cheek, and headed out the door.

Eiri placed a confused hand over his cheek where Shuichi had kissed it, closing his eyes and saving that moment in his memory. When he finally decided it was time to move from his statue-like position, he put his dishes in the sink and lumbered off to his study, where he planted himself in the chair behind his desk, his laptop sitting closed, waiting to be turned on.

He opened it, waiting for it to load, and then grunted at the document that he opened through the word processor. It sat half-finished, another book almost done, and yet another moment that he could look forward to: his editor ripping him a new one about being more than three weeks late for his deadline.

Oh happy day...

Lighting up the cigarette that rested between his lips, he let out a sigh and started typing. He had complete peace in here, all day long, all to himself. Another five chapters to write, and at least he'd have the mindset to finish them. He was working on the sequel to _Loving Darkness_, which he was sure he was going to entitle _Define Normal_, set once again in the lives of him and his boyfriend.

Mori was still annoying, as was Shuichi, and Shorei was somewhat of an arrogant bastard, as was Eiri, but both of them had learned to work on their problems by the middle of the first book, they were now working on their relationship. _It sucks how my novels eventually catch up to my real life, _he thought with a sigh and a hand through his hair.

Well at least he had time to think before exactly 5:30 that afternoon. Always the one to be punctual, Shuichi could be heard flinging the front door open, tossing his bag to the couch, and of course, making his way down the hall to Eiri's sanctuary: his study. The blonde growled, saving his work for the thirtieth time, closed his laptop, and waited. _Three…two…one…as always. _ A blur of pink hair came flying at him, and he barely caught the singer before they both went toppling to the floor.

"Awwww Yuki you missed me too!!" the singer squealed, hugging the blonde tight, whining and rubbing his head as the novelist shoved him away. "Hey – wha – what was that for?" he whimpered, glancing over at the older man. He watched with confused eyes as the author pressed his foot into his stomach, rolling him onto his back. He then giggled as Eiri straddled him. "I knew you missed me…" he whispered, a smile forming on his lips, which today were coated with a bright purple lipstick…something Eiri would fix later.

Yuki growled at the singer as he clutched tight to him. Resolving to shove him away, he laughed shortly. "One, if you learn how to knock, punk, then maybe I won't have to knock you on your ass every day." His foot was now a tool to push the singer on his back. "Two, if I missed you, I would have been waiting on the couch in the living room for you to come home. I was writing, bitch."

He was now hovering over the singer, a smirk plastered across those classic lips of his. "But now that you mentioned it, I missed having a hole to fuck all day." He nipped at the younger man's neck. God he knew how to make him groan. His hands planted firmly on either side of the strawberry-haired man's body, extremely close to his head. He had him in a position of complete submission, and knowing Shuichi, well, he'd let Yuki have dominance in a second if he knew what it would get him.

A cool smile and a playful nibble on Shuichi's ear, then, "And three…you have to kiss me before I do anything." He chuckled as the young man leaned up to do just that, then he pressed a finger to the singer's lips, adding, "without that disgusting crap all over your lips." He stood up, then walked out of the study, smirking. Relaxing on the couch in the living room, he switched on the TV, flipping casually through the channels, his arm resting over the back of the couch.

In about five minutes, he'd hear Shuichi calling for him. He had that twerp on a leash nowadays. Besides, he was being nice…he hadn't thrown Shuichi out and locked the front door yet. But the day was still oh so young. So many hours left, so many chances for the little brat to piss him off, so many ways to lock the door and block the windows.


	4. Flaming Eyes

_**Chapter Three : Flaming Eyes**_

_I've always wondered how a man that never cared about anything could shoot down an amazing person like you so easily. After these long seven months of living without you, I've come to find I hate that you told me all those years ago that if you died, I'd have to move on. I hate that I promised that I would, and I hate myself even more for finding a man that I love almost as much as I loved you. I still love you, you punk. Even with the new man in my life, I swear that I'd rather die than live another second with the knowledge that I'll never feel your small body pressed to mine. It kills me inside, and every time my new boyfriend and I pass by your grave, I want to lie down and join you in the afterlife. He doesn't understand; he's never lost anyone._

_But I have, my love. Did you know that you were the only thing that brought me back home every night? Did you know that regardless of anything I ever said to you, you meant more to me, your love meant more to me, than any other man in the world could ever come to mean to me. I know I never told you exactly what I felt in the nights I held you tight to my chest. I know that even though I hardly ever told you that I loved you, I hoped that with each kiss I gave you, you'd know. You'd be able to feel my love in my kisses, and though you've been gone for almost a year, I still remember and I still cherish the softness of your lips. You have no idea how much I wish I could go back in time and stop the moment that ended your life. You have no idea how many people I would murder to bring you back just to hold you, kiss you, tell you I love you until words run dry._

_I miss you like crazy, my love. The memory of the night that you died, the memory of the second your eyes lose the light I'd come to love to gaze into, the memory of your hand, still holding mine, losing its tightened grip, is etched into my mind. The moment you died, clutching lifelessly onto my hand, you took me with you. My heart still beats, but my eyes, even when gazing into those of my boyfriend's, see no beauty._

_Is it possible to smell the beauty of a rose when my love is dead and gone?_

_Could I really with good conscience smile at the sight of a sunset on the ocean?_

_Neither one is possible._

_Not without my love right beside me._

_It's too hard for me to even think of doing such things without you to smile beside me as I turn to hand you a rose, or as I wrap you in my embrace in front of the setting sun. Without you to take my offered hand, a rose means nothing as it crushes beneath my feet. Walking slowly on the path that you and I used to travel, my hands tucked in my pockets, I allow myself to hum something of a dreary tune. Giving my hair a light toss to shake the falling raindrops out. Glancing up, I wonder if it's you crying. Are you crying, love? Because if you are…please don't let any more of those tears fall from your shining eyes. A light sigh runs past my lips; I wonder how things would have been if I had been the one in front of the gun. Would it be worth it then?_

_No._

_Because there is no way in heaven, hell, or the space lingering between that I could ever ask you to endure what I've been slowly working through. I could never ask you to live a life of loneliness, because even though you'd find another love as I've forced myself to do, merely because of your request, you wouldn't be happy. I know you wouldn't. But I still wish that I could have at least died with you._

_But the only way I can ever hand you a rose would be me resting one on the top of your headstone. The only way you and I could share a sunset is if the trees decided to blow to the side for one moment, and if I leaned against the cold marble that sits atop your grave. The simple beauties in life have lost their sensuality, and it's all because I wasn't there a second earlier._

_I feel like it was me that killed you, my love. I feel like it is my own fault that that trigger was pulled._

_Even when I do share silent moments with your ever-lingering spirit, I find it hard to smile. Another beauty that was ripped away. Not even my boyfriend can make me smile like you once made me smile. A light smirk is all I've been able to muster. He doesn't know how to end my depression, and I don't think I want to tell him. I want to be able to let the reality of your death sink in, but then again, I don't think I can handle any more of this…this misery that I've thrown myself into. Loving you then losing you ripped the still-beating heart from my chest. Losing you made the simple things in life ever so lonely._

_I still wear the ring you gave me on the day we stood before our friends._

_You died with yours…is it still there? I know it sounds like I shouldn't ask, hell, I know you're still proudly sporting the golden band, the one tangible token of the love you and I shared. But the ring doesn't matter as much as your smile does._

_Your ever-present smile will never leave my memory, and locked away with it I will keep your touch, your kiss, your scent, your eyes…everything I know is real._

_Your ever-beaming smile will never leave my heart._


End file.
